Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

me irl

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.