Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Always the camel, never the toe.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

6. me as a lawyer

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one