I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
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Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime