Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

💀💀

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…