I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
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Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Fries, not lies.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.