Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Not helping

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick