Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker