I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
#Caturday
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no