Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.