Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

How times have changed.

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.