I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
LOL
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
This is amazing.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart