I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Brilliant!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”