Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*