I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
こいつ天才
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
If you had more money you’d be happier.