Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

For anyone who needs this today

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out