Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.