I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost