I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The devil.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.