I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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Genius idea!!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
