I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
