I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
You Might Also Like
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My current situation
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Beauty and the Beast
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.