I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?