I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Ugh but profoundly
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.