Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Netflix and scream at our children?!

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

#ProTip

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?