@UncleDuke1969

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

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@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

@ItsJusKimberly

[doorbell]

4: *opens door

Hi, is your mom home?

4: she’s in the tower

mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”

@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@Zombie_Kitv2

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

@simoncholland

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

@jasonmustian

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.