I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.