I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Meow
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526