I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed