Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

That’s amazing.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.