I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
So, can we agree on 4 or
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge