I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school