I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
You Might Also Like
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Bros before Ohioes
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.