I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
sin harder.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”