I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I cannot stop laughing at this
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Life hack
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed