I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*