I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Gross if literal…Liverpool