I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.