I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Whoa 😂
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
synchronized noseblowing
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
From my Mom
I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.