I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
You Might Also Like
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog