I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
You Might Also Like
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.