I screen shot the stupidest shit. There is no way I’ll ever actually make protein pudding or “natures Gatorade.”
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
😏😏😏
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?