I screen shot the stupidest shit. There is no way I’ll ever actually make protein pudding or “natures Gatorade.”
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Kids: Stay in school.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
New nose
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.