Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*