Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

what the

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.