I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”