Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”