Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy’s not having it 😆

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

look scared

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.