Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

“What?”
– Jude

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii