Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Previously On Persistence 😎

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ve been drinking.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.