I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
12. I think about this all the damn time
I have two kinds of followers