I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My life in a nutshell
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?