Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.