Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Battery falling down a hole

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Hotels are back

Salad is the decaf of food.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.