I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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Looking at you, Jesus.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.