Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.