Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.