I see a badly-tied bin liner.
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
White Castle for the Win
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.