I see a badly-tied bin liner.
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Does this dress make me look cat?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.