Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

kids play hide and seek like

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

The pen is writier than the sword.