[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not