Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

sensitive skin

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.