Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

“OMGJK” -atheists

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

ATMs should have breathalyzers

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.