I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
You Might Also Like
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
What my back needs
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
