Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?