Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

Matthew was born for this.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!