Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what