I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
this got me crying😭😭
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’