[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
January has been Januweary
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me