Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

a badder mouse

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts