Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Life with a cat in one tweet

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture