[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
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My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.