[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Not helping
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.