[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
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*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’m about to risk it all
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no