Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then