Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.