Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

U talkin 2 me?

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”