Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

A new level of troll.

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

first you must answer his riddles

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”