i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
This is so me 😂😂
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Admin smashed it 😂