Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

you have three unread messages

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter