I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
a New Yorker reject, for you
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish