I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.