I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
This hospital has everything
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
no refunds
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Lassie, get help!
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.